21 12 2005

Results are out tomorrow. And I know I screwed my design grades. I was going through my old projects and I realised that I’ve lost my drive, my vision for what I believed in. I sold out and pandered to the notion of doing the mediocre and for the grades.

I guess I never did “do it for the grades” in uni before this. Not consciously I figure. After repeating one year in JC for doing what I believed in, I’ve learnt to look beyond grades and just do it for the heck of it; to do it because I like it and enjoy it, and not to fulfil some criteria or requirement. Call me idealistic, for I do admit it is what I am, but what is the meaning for leading this existance if there aren’t ideals and principles that you go by?

In the same way I suppose I approached my architectural education in the same way: because there are things I want to know, to explore, to find out. As of the previous sem anyway. I guess this sem I promised to get my ‘A’s, get on the Dean’s List, whatever, and in doing so I got burnt out. I tried too hard. Not to say that I was particularly industrious, because I wasn’t. I didn’t feel driven. maybe it was something I had coming, after all these semesters without a proper break (Lijiang in the 1st sem, hall and SDE float in the 2nd, Venice Biennale in the 3rd, the UM-NUS thingy in the 4th and the technology workshop in the 5th). Or maybe its all just an excuse and I just wasn’t focused enough.

Indeed, I had so many ‘side projects’. Maybe they took their toll. Then again, of course they did. They took up my time. But I think it was for the better. I suppose I was never one to work hard, not till the last minute. And having things to occupy me when I’m tired from school work helped in its own way. Maybe this is a time to ‘unclutter’ my life, to reassess what is important to me. maybe its time I stop getting my feet wet in so many things, and concentrate on what’s crucial.

Looking back at the past projects kind of jolted me into lucidity; the projects I did this semester seemed so shallow in exploration, so juvenile in conception in comparison to what I would have wanted. I focused on the tangible, the pragmatic, yet, somehow in focusing on what would supposedly be a gauge of progress I missed the whole point of what I had set out to gain out of this education. Intellectually, it is almost as if I’ve squandered the entire semester. What I end up with is a series of soul-less projects devoided of meaning to myself.

In the same way maybe this is a microcosm of my life at this point; maybe I really should try and sit down and put God in His rightful place in my heart.

…the foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom,
and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength.
1 Cor 1:25 NIV

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

matthew 11:28-30 NIV

I need to put God in the centre of my life.




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